I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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