you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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