i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize