i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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