clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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