Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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