He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
