i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
