but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
