i would one night stand the shit outta him
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
