I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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