while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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