The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
