my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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