I smell stomach acid.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
