i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
3 2 1 whiskey
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
