we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
