Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
