I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
