We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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