my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
