I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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