Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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