there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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