maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
