im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
