Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
