are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
