My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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