four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
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