I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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