you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
he thought i was a dude.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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