I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
