Don't make out with my wife yet
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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