how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
