bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
