i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
