I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
