I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
there is glitter all over my balls
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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