the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
