I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
