Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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