Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize
