And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
