i jhust puked up my retainher.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
