I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize