Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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