if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
True strength comes from lack of pants
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize