I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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