I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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