Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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