I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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