I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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