I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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