Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize