I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Randomize
