I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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