My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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