She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
