Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
