I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Rumble strips road head = magical
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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