I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
