did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
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