i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
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