She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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